


Looking Backward, Moving Forward

by malmal88



Series: Eddie Begins [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Eddie centric, Eddie talks about his time in the military, Flashbacks, Gay Male Character, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Supportive Buck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:47:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22092817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malmal88/pseuds/malmal88
Summary: These are words he’s never spoken out loud before. Each experience that counts as proof has been folded up and carefully tucked away inside of himself. He spent all the time in between each one of the cornerstone moments trying to prove to himself, to his father, to anyone who was paying attention that it wasn’t true. He was almost successful at it. But there is only so long you can deny who you are.Eddie opens up to Buck, and shares moments from his past in order to find his future.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Past Eddie Diaz/Original Male Characters, Past Eddie Diaz/Shannon Diaz
Series: Eddie Begins [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1611901
Comments: 45
Kudos: 392





	Looking Backward, Moving Forward

**Author's Note:**

> -Some time ago, while wasting valuable sleep time scrolling through Tumblr, I read this idea that Eddie is actually a heavily closeted gay man. It stuck with me. This is my idea of what Eddie's backstory could entail. 
> 
> -I hope canon Ramon Diaz is a much better father than he is in this. 
> 
> -Fair warning, I have no wrestling or military knowledge. Google was my friend, and I apologize if anything is inaccurate.

Eddie drums his fingers nervously against the coffee cup in his hand. There is still time to back out, and he is seriously considering it. He can see the door from where he is sitting, and even though it is his house they are in, he contemplates just making a run for it. But after everything that has happened last year, Eddie knows that if he is going to continue to move forward, to make an important change in his life he needs to tell someone. Eddie couldn’t talk to the therapist, but maybe he can talk to Buck. 

These are words he’s never spoken out loud before. Each experience that counts as proof has been folded up and carefully tucked away inside of himself. He spent all the time in between each one of the cornerstone moments trying to prove to himself, to his father, to anyone who was paying attention that it wasn’t true. He was almost successful at it. But there is only so long you can deny who you are. Eddie knows he needs to be done with that denial. Knows that the reason he is ready to be honest is largely in part to the man sitting across from him, waiting with an encouraging smile for Eddie to start. 

“Whatever it is Eddie, you can tell me. I have your back, no matter what.” 

“I know Buck. I just don’t know where to start. I’ve never...there’s a lot to say.”

“I have nowhere else to be, and we have seven hours before Carla will drop Chris back home.”

“Just...I need you to let me get out everything before you respond, okay?”

“I can do that,” Buck takes a sip of his coffee and settles back in his chair, ready to listen. 

Eddie lets out a breath, “I guess really, I should start with when I was a kid.” Eddie finds a spot over Buck’s shoulder to focus on as he begins. 

\--

_Eddie is eight years old the first time he notices it. His oldest sister brings her friend home to do homework. His name is Jacob. He is 15 years old, tall for his age, and has these blue eyes that light up when he smiles. Eddie can’t stop following him around whenever he is at the Diaz’s house. Jacob doesn’t seem to mind and is happy to toss a football around with him or answer his never-ending barrage of questions. It annoys his sister to no end; his mother thinks it’s cute. If his father notices his attachment to Jacob, he chooses not to comment on it - at least at first._

_All Eddie knows is that he likes the older boy. A lot. The feeling is new and he doesn’t really know a good word to describe it. Eddie feels really happy whenever Jacob’s attention is on him. His heart races when one of the jokes he heard at school gets the older boy to laugh. He runs home from school on days when he knows that Jacob will be there._

_It’s Saturday afternoon when Jacob brings his Nintendo over and lets Eddie play with him. That night he tells his parents he wants to marry Jacob when he grows up as they tuck him into bed. His father responds with a harsh reprimand that boys are not allowed to marry other boys; that it goes against God, before striding from his room, muttering angry curses in Spanish under his breath. His mother tells him she loves him and kisses him goodnight before following after his father. He falls asleep to the loud sounds of them arguing._

_Several days later Jacob is over finishing a project with his sister. Eddie’s mom asks him to bring a tray of snacks and lemonade into the den, where they are working. Always looking for an excuse to talk to Jacob, Eddie happily takes the tray from his mother and carefully makes his way. Eddie is looking down, focused on keeping the tray steady and watching his feet so he doesn’t trip. The door to the den is closed more than it normally would be but Eddie pays it no mind and nudges the door with his foot so he can enter the room._

_When he finally looks up to announce that mom has sent snacks, the words die in his throat. Jacob and his sister are sitting on the couch, kissing. Eddie’s hands start to shake, the cups of lemonade teetering dangerously on the tray. He can feel the tears burning behind his eyes as he fights to hold them back. Both cups tip over, sending the icy yellow liquid sprawling in all directions, overflowing the sides of the tray, coating his hands and continuing onto the floor and his bare feet._

_He must have made a noise because his sister and Jacob spring apart. She starts yelling at him about the spilled lemonade before pulling the tray from his little hands and angrily pushing past him and out of the room. Eddie is frozen to the spot, staring at his sticky hands. He loses the battle with his tears when Jacob comes over and puts a hand on his shoulder and reassures him that accidents happen, and it is okay._

_His sister comes back with his mother, both carrying cleaning supplies. His mom has a patient smile as she wipes his feet before sending him to wash his hands. Eddie is still standing at the sink when his mother comes in. She reminds him that the carpet has seen worse accidents and that she is not angry. “They were kissing.” is his only reply. She pulls him close, places a gentle kiss to his temple, and lets him cry._

_After that Eddie stays away from Jacob when he is at the house. He would help his mom in the garden, or play with his action figures, or ride his bike instead. Before long Jacob stops coming around the house and not long after that his sister has a new boyfriend. He isn’t mean to Eddie - but he isn’t as nice either. It doesn’t matter much, because Eddie is eight, and has more important things to worry about anyway - like building a working Ferris Wheel with his k’nex, or reading through the newest Goosebumps book._

\--

Eddie looks back at Buck, who is wearing a soft look of understanding that makes Eddie nervous and uncomfortable. He doesn’t say anything though, and for that Eddie is grateful. There is still a lot he needs to get out. He takes a sip of his coffee and dives back in before he backtracks and runs out his front door. 

\--

_Eddie is twelve when he has his first kiss. Marcos Perez moves into his neighborhood in the middle of the school year. He is funny and smart and his Spanish is significantly better than Eddie’s, even though he also has never lived in Mexico. He and Eddie become best friends quickly. They ride their bikes around the neighborhood, shoot hoops at the playground down the street, and spend way too much time watching cartoons in the Diaz living room._

_Eddie’s parents love Marcus. He’s polite, well behaved, and good in school. Exactly the kind of friend they expect their son to have. One night Marcus stays for dinner while Eddie’s Abuela is visiting from California. He converses easily with her and Eddie’s father in Spanish. Eddie tries, but since his mother doesn’t know much Spanish they don’t often speak it at home. Eddie mispronounces something when he attempts to answer a question about school. Marcus laughs kindly and helps him say it correctly. The conversation continues to flow around him, but it all becomes white noise as Eddie’s heart starts thumping against his chest. He pauses to watch his friend so easily fit in with his family, and his heart feels full._

_That night Eddie dreams about his friend. In his dream, they are swimming, splashing around and wrestling in the water. Marcus swims up to him and they start kissing, his friend’s skin warm under his hands. He wakes up to a mess on the front of his pajamas. His father’s words from so long ago ring through his head again. He panics, flooded with shame, wondering what is wrong with him. Eddie changes his pajamas and stuffs the dirty ones to the bottom of the basket. He avoids Marcus for three days until the memory of the dream fades and he misses his friend too much._

_His crush only grows from there. Summer comes, and school is out. Eddie and Marcus spend most of their days at the community pool trying to keep cool in the oppressive Texas heat. It doesn’t help that even when they are not at the pool Marcus chooses to stay shirtless. The Texas summer is a lot worse than Washington state, where Marcus lived before moving here. Eddie likes to tease him about it, especially when he figures out that his teasing can get his friend to turn a pretty shade of pink._

_It’s the hottest day of the summer and the two are sharing the one chair that was free, lounging by the pool. The community spot is packed today. Even Eddie’s parents and sisters are here, still in the pool._

_Marcus is wearing a cheap pair of sunglasses, and Eddie thinks he looks really cool. The boys are enjoying popsicles while they take a break from swimming to de-prune. Eddie is trying his best to not watch his friend but isn’t doing a very good job. Marcus sucks the whole popsicle in his mouth, and Eddie can feel himself staring, feel the unwelcome heat pool in his gut. He is suddenly very aware of how close they are sitting. Marcus catches him staring, and smiles. Eddie is captivated and wishes he could see his friend’s eyes beneath the dark glasses. Marcus starts to lean in closer to Eddie, who is sure the other boy can feel his heart beating hard and fast against his chest. Eddie’s eyes flutter shut and the world disappears._

_The kiss he is expecting never comes. Instead, someone loudly shouts his name from the pool, startling him and drawing his attention to his family. His father has been watching them, and he looks angry. His father is out of the pool and gathering up their things faster than his brain can process it. His sisters’ protest and his mother is confused but Eddie knows why. He mumbles a quick goodbye to Marcus and follows his family back to the car, his head bowed in shame._

_Summer comes to an end, and Marcus’ father gets transferred to Chicago. The decision was sudden and the move is at the end of the week. Marcus tells him on the swings behind Eddie’s house. The two boys sit in heartbroken silence. Tears slowly roll down Eddie’s face. Marcus kneels in front of him and murmurs words of comfort in Spanish. He wipes Eddie’s tears with his thumbs and kisses him gently on the lips. It’s soft and sweet and Eddie’s heart breaks even more for it._

_When Marcus leaves to go home Eddie goes back into the house. His father is fuming. He witnessed the whole exchange. He tells Eddie that it is for the best, that maybe now Eddie can find a nice girl and be normal. Eddie shuts himself in his room and refuses to open the door, not even to his mother’s gentle pleading to let her in; to talk to her. He can’t bring himself to do it. Not when he hears his father yell that coddling him will not help to stamp the queer out of him. Four days later Marcus leaves. His father won’t let him say one last goodbye, won’t let him keep in touch. Eddie cries himself to sleep for three nights in a row._

\--

“After that, I started looking for girls to hang out with. It made my father happy. But it never was the same. I didn’t feel anything for them past friendship, no matter how much I tried, how much I wanted to.”

Eddie keeps his eyes trained on the ceiling, afraid to look at Buck. His hand grips the coffee cup so tightly that it is almost painful. One of Buck’s hands covers his, and the other pulls the cup away. Buck’s hand stays on top of his, and thumb brushes across his knuckles comfortingly. Buck still hasn’t spoken, and Eddie needs to hear his voice. “Do you want any more coffee? Water?” He asks, forcing his gaze to his friend. 

“I’m good. Do you want anything?” 

“I think I want some water,” Eddie starts to move but Buck stops him with a hand to the forearm. He gets up and disappears into the kitchen, returning a few moments later with two bottles of water. He hands one to Eddie and sits back at his spot with the other. Eddie pushes the now cold coffee aside and opens the water, taking a long swig. He takes a steadying breath and continues, “years passed before I had to openly face myself again.” 

\--

_Eddie is sixteen and a Junior in high school. He made the varsity wrestling team at the beginning of the year, his grades are high, and he is thinking about maybe going into a medical field. An army recruiter told him he can get trained and certified as a medic at no cost, plus money for college if he enlists. He takes the ASVAB in two weeks, two days after the match against his high school’s biggest rival. Eddie is the star mid-weight champion for his school, and he is set to go up against the captain of the opposing team. If he wins, the captaincy of his own team is all but guaranteed to go to him._

_Things at home have been better. Eddie has been careful to not get attached to any of his male friends. He dates a girl named Lucy that he meets at church. She doesn’t go to his school. He doesn’t have to fake it in front of his friends and has the perfect excuse as to why he turns down the parade of girls who ask him out._

_Kissing her is pleasant, but doesn’t fill him with any of the urges his teammates talk about in the locker room. Eddie keeps that to himself though. It’s never a problem because Lucy made it clear at the start that she is saving herself for marriage. It’s the one thing Eddie thanks the Catholic Church for. Lucy thinks he’s a gentleman, his friends don’t suspect anything, and his father hasn’t made a cruel comment in years._

_The night of the big match arrives. The rival school shows up with a bus full of students and another with the team. They cram into the gym with the screaming fans of the home team. The environment is electric and pulsating, and Eddie is pumped and ready to go when it is finally his bout._

_The whistle blows and the buzz of the gym because white noise as Eddie focuses on his opponent. The captain is tall, muscled, and talented. Thirty seconds into the bout Eddie finds himself on his ass blinking up. He scrambles and manages to get his arms around the larger boy’s legs and take him down as well. The two grapple for top position and Eddie manages to gain back points._

_The rest of the bout is just as evenly matched, and fun. His opponent quips back in forth with him as they trade points. After the bout ends they shake hands and the other boy smiles and congratulates him. Eddie can’t help but notice how vibrant his blue eyes are, and how sweet his smile. They maintain eye contact for a second too long, and the older boy’s lips quirk in a way that can only be described as flirty. Eddie swallows hard and forces his gaze away as he is shuffled from the mat._

_Later that night Eddie roars in victory, both hands raised in the air as his team walks into the after-party. His high school is on the outskirts of the city, and one of his classmates has a large field behind their house. There is a bonfire, loud music pumping from somewhere, and two kegs. Eddie is on his third beer, and feeling really good when the opposing team crashes the party, led by their captain. No one cares, and the party just grows larger. In the crackle of the firelight provided by the large (and in hindsight very unsafe) bonfire, the captain seeks Eddie out. He saunters up to him and introduces himself as Mike. In addition to the gorgeous baby blues, Mike has blonde hair that looks silky smooth now that it’s not slicked back for the match. Eddie desperately wishes he could run his fingers through it._

_Mike leans in too close, and Eddie can feel his breath against his ear. Mike congratulates him again on a good match and ribs him for the points he gave up. Eddie falls into easy banter with him. Eddie first notices the hand on the small of his back, then the one on his elbow. Eddie looks around nervously, but nobody is paying them any mind. Eddie relaxes and is very willing when Mike suggests that they head someplace quieter._

_Ten minutes later Eddie finds himself alone with Mike in a bedroom in the house. They stare at each other nervously for a beat. Then Mike is kissing him, and Eddie finally gets to tangle his hands in Mike’s hair. It’s even softer than he imagined. Kissing Lucy has never made him feel like this. Things get heated quickly, and Eddie lets Mike push him onto the bed._

_While things don’t go all the way, Eddie considers this to be the night he loses his virginity. Though when asked about it in the future by friends, it is not the encounter he will talk about. Mike shows up at Eddie’s house just once afterward. Eddie’s father comes home early and finds them in his bedroom, shirtless and making out on Eddie’s bed. Mike doesn’t come back again. Eddie’s father doesn’t talk to him for a week. During that week Eddie can’t look in a mirror._

_When Eddie’s ASVAB scores come in he immediately enlists in the army. Eddie is offered the wrestling team captain position but drops from the team instead, saying he needs to focus on his grades and an AP biology course senior year. Eddie breaks up with Lucy, giving her the same excuse. Eddie’s mom worries and tries to talk to him. Even though he knows she loves him, he can’t find the words to explain. He still clings to the slowly dying hope that his father is right, and he needs to find the right girl._

\--

“I kept my head down senior year, aced my classes, and left for basic training before the end of summer.”

Eddie looks over at Buck, who is doing a decent job at keeping a neutral expression, though a wet spot on his cheek tells Eddie exactly what emotion his friend is feeling. A hand squeezes Eddie’s, which surprises him because he hadn’t even noticed that Buck had taken his hand again. 

“I have one more story. It’s the hardest one. Well, I guess two more. First, you need to know about how I came to be married to Shannon.” 

\--

_Basic training is a bitch but Eddie survives. He is away from home for ten weeks, and even with the rigor of boot camp, Eddie is happy to be out from under his father’s roof. The medic training picks up right after boot camp ends. It brings Eddie back to Texas, but still hours away from home. It’s in San Antonio that he meets Shannon._

_She’s the first woman he thinks he could make it work with. She falls in love with him quickly, and he thinks maybe he can finally make his father proud. Her eyes remind him of Marcus, and the way she is attracted to him reminds him of Mike. He is granted leave for two weeks and brings her home._

_Introducing her to his family does not go as planned. His father doesn’t like her and his Abuela doesn’t trust her. His mother tries, but their personalities clash. Eddie stands in the shower his head against the cool tile wondering if he will ever find someone his father will approve of. One night Shannon goes to bed early and Eddie sits up with his father, listening while he blames Eddie’s previous ‘dirty encounters with men’ as the reason this flighty, impulsive woman - who understands nothing about the culture Eddie comes from - has wormed her way into his life. By the time Eddie goes to bed his desire to please his family has turned to anger and resentment. The next day Eddie buys an engagement ring. He proposes when they return to San Antonio. They elope a week later._

_Eddie completes his medic training at the top of his class. He is allowed four weeks of leave before his first deployment starts. Eddie brings Shannon home again, this time as his wife. His mother is hurt at not being included in their wedding. The look on her face is his one regret. He finds pleasure in his father’s disapproval for the first time. He and Shannon rent a small apartment in El Paso. Her mother is in California, and there isn’t enough time to get settled there. Eddie’s first deployment is for 18 months. He comes home for a three day leave for the holidays. Things are tense at home and he is happy to go back._

_He has been back in Afghanistan for two months when Shannon tells him over a video call that she is pregnant. Eddie is over the moon, both at the baby and that his family is finally treating Shannon with kindness. There are still ten months to go in his deployment, but he should be home shortly after the birth of his child. Eddie thinks that maybe everything is going to work out._

\--

Eddie comes out of the memory and looks at the table. Buck is fully holding his hand now.

“Obviously you know about the complications with Christopher’s birth, and that I reenlisted for active duty instead of staying home. But a lot happened in those ten months, and I wasn’t the same man when I made it home.” Eddie takes a deep breath. He can already feel tears welling up behind his eyes. 

Buck reads him like a book and moves to a chair closer to Eddie, before taking his hand again. Eddie squeezes Buck’s hand and steels himself. He will never make it through the most important story if he starts crying now.  
“His name was Nathan.” Eddie starts, his voice shaking. 

\--

_Private Nathan Reid joins the squad Eddie had been assigned to when one of the soldiers is honorably discharged after an accident. Nathan is tall with broad shoulders. His eyes are almost purple, and what little hair he has is a dark chocolate brown. Eddie is immediately attracted to him. Their bunks are next to each other, and so Eddie introduces himself that night before lights out._

_He and Eddie bond immediately. They are both from Texas - though Nathan grew up in Dallas. He is a huge Cowboys fan, and Eddie teases him relentlessly about the terrible season they are having. The two quickly become inseparable. Eddie shares the sonogram pictures Shannon sends and confides in him about his insecurities about being a good father. Nate tells Eddie about his military family, his father’s Purple Heart, and how he feels like he’ll never live up to it._

_Being so far from home is hard. The heat of Afghanistan is oppressive, and being locked into gear that makes it feel 20 degrees hotter doesn’t help. Days are long, exhausting, and dangerous. Eddie and Nate help each other however they can. They share treats from the care packages their families send. They lean against each other to nap. In the field they have each other’s backs._

_It’s after a particularly difficult day that their relationship shifts. Their squad had been assigned to sweep an area for IEDs. It is normal work, and Eddie and Nate are next to each other as they move through the area on foot. They hear the gunfire before they see the shooters. Nate pulls Eddie behind a wall for cover while they look around. The next ten minutes happen in a blur as they locate the shooters and take them out. Then Eddie is running to the aid of a fallen soldier. Eddie tried to staunch the bleeding, but an artery was nicked. The man bleeds out while Eddie is working on him. It’s the first loss Eddie’s squad has had in the year he has been in Afghanistan._

_That night Nate washes the blood, sweat, and grime from Eddie’s body. They stand under the insufficient water flow of the shower and Eddie sobs against him. The feeling of inadequacy and grief is overwhelming. The man they lost had a wife and three kids. He was a week away from finishing his tour and going home. Nate holds Eddie close, the skin to skin contact is the only thing keeping him grounded. When the water runs cold Nate turns off the tap and dries Eddie’s body and tears. Two nights later they meet in the showers again, this time things are heated, and the two men take a different kind of comfort from each other. Eddie tells himself that this is normal in the military. The affair continues for two months. Nobody asks them about it, and they certainly don’t tell._

_He doesn’t feel guilty until he video chats with his wife one night. She is glowing when she shows him the growing baby bump that is his unborn child. The guilt attacks him then. His wife is home alone, pregnant, and faithful. The least she deserves is fidelity in return._

_Shannon tells him the baby is a boy. Eddie knows his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. All he can think about is the three fatherless children grieving somewhere in Minnesota, but he doesn’t want to stress her with that fact. He doesn’t want to risk the health of his son._

_He cuts the video chat short and calls his mother. She cries with him as he tells her about the loss his squad is dealing with and begs him to take care of himself. Eddie tells her not to worry, that he has one of the best men on the squad watching out for him. She smiles a sad sort of smile and says that she is glad to hear that. He wishes for the first time since he arrived in the Middle East that he could feel his mother’s arms around him._

_Eddie ends his encounters with Nate, but it doesn’t end the feelings he has for the man. Nate understands, and little changes between the two of them. The last four months of his tour drag by. Three nights before he is set to go home Nate corners him in the showers. He gives in to temptation and shares what will be one last night with him. Nate tells Eddie that he loves him that night, and even though Eddie knows he shouldn’t he returns the words. It is the truth after all. The next day Eddie finds himself grateful for his infidelity._

_Eddie is pulling up the rear of the convoy to a base three hours from where his squad had been stationed. They are an hour out when there is suddenly a loud explosion. The lead car shoots off its wheels and rolls several times, before stopping upside down. Eddie’s heart stops and he forgets to breathe. Nate was in the front car. Eddie grabs his kit and runs towards the wreckage, ignoring the yelling of his Sergeant. Another private stops him, and yells that he needs to wait; there could be another explosive. Eddie can feel every second ticking by while three men sweep the area._

_Eddie is focused on the blood on the windows of the vehicle and shakes off the hold on him. Ignores the ‘Diaz, wait!’ and barrels in. His heart pounds against his chest as he pulls the first member of his squad out of the destroyed humvee. It isn’t Nate, but he is alive and needs medical attention. Eddie notices other soldiers now circling the wreck, and forces himself to start with the man in front of him. His injuries are minor all things considered. Eddie helps him into one of the other Humvees._

_Eddie returns to the scene, the other five men who had been in the truck have been removed. Eddie’s heart sinks when he sees Nate, and he rushes to him. There is damage to his ear, and his leg is burned. He doesn’t seem to be in too rough of shape. Nate tells Eddie he is fine, and that Milton’s injuries are worse, that he needs help first. Reluctantly Eddie moves over to Milton. The damage to his leg is bad. Eddie finishes up cauterizing the wound so he can be moved, and two other men carry Milton away. Eddie is certain that he will lose the leg._

_Eddie finally returns to Nate. He is still alert, now with tears streaming down his cheeks. Eddie checks him over and finds no major visible damage. He is praying for a miracle. Eddie looks around, and seeing no eyes on him he bends over his friend and lover and touches their foreheads together. He whispers to Nate that he is going to be okay, that Eddie has his back and will make sure he gets home. Nate leans forward and kisses Eddie gently, and tells Eddie that he knows that he will try his best._

_They get Nate and the last few men into a Humvee and race towards the base. The sergeant radios ahead that they are coming in with six injured men, and that at least three are critical. When they get there, that number is down to five._

_Chaos is the only way to describe the scene as they unload the injured men into the base hospital. Eddie is helping tend to some minor injuries when his sergeant pulls him away. Nate is not doing well. He has already flat-lined once and it doesn’t look good. They think he has internal bleeding and they need to operate. The room will be ready in five minutes. Nate is unconscious when Eddie makes it to his side. Eddie holds his hand tightly and cries. He leans over Nate and whispers in his ear that he loves him, before placing a chaste kiss to his lips, audience be damned._

_Eddie leaves Afghanistan two days later a broken man. Nathan did not survive the surgery in the base hospital. Eddie blames himself for not realizing the extent of the man’s injuries. He feels like he is drowning from the weight of his grief, but he has no one he feels he can to turn to. He suffers in stony silence, and works to bury his emotions instead._

_It takes another month to get back to Texas. Eddie stops in Dallas and stands in the back at Nate’s funeral. His dress blues feel uncomfortable against his skin. Eddie cries when they hand the purple heart to Nathan’s distraught mother. He leaves without introducing himself to Nate’s family, not knowing what he would even say to them. Besides, he has a child and wife to get home to._

_When Eddie finally gets to hold his infant son, he feels warmth in his heart for the first time since Nathan’s death. Shannon is nervous as she hands Christopher to him. She asks him to sit down and starts talking about complications. The warmth turns to ice as she explains about cerebral palsy, and the difficulties their child will face in life. Shannon and Christopher lay down for a nap, and Eddie walks the two miles to his parents house. He collapses in his mother’s arms and sobs. She holds him and tells him how much she loves him. She makes him eat dinner and drives him home._

_Eddie has been home for three months when he gets a call from his sergeant. They give him a Silver Star for his service after the roadside bombing. (To this day Eddie’s mother is in possession of it. He still can’t look at it.) After the ceremony, Eddie is offered a chance to go back. They need men desperately._

_He has felt uncomfortable in his skin since returning home. He hasn’t managed to reintegrate into civilian life and doesn’t know how to be a husband or father. The choice to reenlist seems simple and obvious. Shannon yells and cries when he tells her. He flies out a week later to start back to back 18-month tours._

_By the time he returns home Christopher is three years old and only knows him from weekly video chats. Shannon leaves two months later to take care of her mother. At this point, she may as well be a stranger, and Eddie chooses to stay near his family instead of following her to San Diego. At first, Shannon calls regularly. She comes back to visit four times, and Christopher is heartbroken each time she leaves again. After her mother dies Eddie thinks she will move home and they can finally work on their marriage. She doesn’t, and she stops communicating altogether._

_Things with his father become the best they have ever been. Ramon loves his grandson, and blames Shannon’s departure squarely on Shannon. He doesn’t know anything about Nate, or how Eddie feels like he deserves his wife’s abandonment. His father looks at him with pride when he watches him interact with his son; watches Eddie step up and be a good man and a better father._

_Eddie holds off on asking for a divorce. He doesn’t see the need to. Chris is still hopeful his mother will come home, and Eddie won’t do anything to take that away from him. Besides, the idea of moving on from either Shannon or Nate is too hard to even consider._

_When Chris is almost seven Eddie moves to LA to enroll in the academy. The city has better opportunities for his son, and so Eddie decides to stay. Eddie uses his aging Abuela and Aunt as the excuse to his parents when they protest about needing his family. After his first week with the 118, he is sure he has made the right choice. He feels like he fits with this team, especially with Buck._

_When Shannon blows back into his life he tries again to be her husband. Mostly for Christopher. Partially because he is uncomfortable at the way he is again falling for another man. He throws himself into bed with her, and finds it easy the way he did when they first met. Tells himself he can do this - he can walk away from his attraction to men. It’s what’s best for his son. The bond he shares with Shannon over the child they made together rekindles the love he feels for her. While it is different than the way he loved Nathan, he loves her deeply just the same._

_When Shannon tells him she thinks she is pregnant he believes that everything is finally falling into place. His parents will be so happy. They’ll forgive Shannon for the sake of another grandchild. Christopher will be an amazing big brother. Eddie will get a second chance to be a father from the start - to be there through the pregnancy and the first three years._

_When Shannon tells him she is not pregnant and that she wants a divorce the ground beneath him moves worse than it did during the earthquake. Eddie doesn’t get a chance to try to change her mind, to prove himself, because she is suddenly and cruelly torn from his life forever. Eddie feels broken, Christopher is devastated, and Eddie doesn’t know how to help either of them. The feelings of inadequacy are back with a vengeance. Eddie lets himself cry just once, alone on a beach before he buries everything as deep as possible._

\--

Eddie is crying as he finishes the story. He is almost afraid to look up at Buck. He is not sure what his friend will think of him at the admissions he just made. But it isn’t judgment he sees in the eyes of his best friend. The pure care, love, and understanding he finds makes him cry harder. In an instant Buck is on the floor in front of Eddie pulling him out of his chair. 

“I’m so sorry Eddie, so sorry,” Buck whispers, placing a gentle kiss to Eddie’s temple. Buck just holds him. He feels safe in Buck’s arms, and so he allows himself to cry. Eddie isn’t sure how long they sit there, but eventually, his tears subside and he finds his voice. 

“I still need to say it, the reason I told you all of that. Buck I - I’m - ” Eddie looks down and away from his friend, and tries to fight more tears that are threatening to fall. He isn’t sure how he even has any left. 

“Hey look at me,” Buck brings a hand to the side of Eddie’s face and gently turns his head. Buck’s eyes shiny from shedding his own tears. “That was a lot to let out in one day. There is no shame in needing to be done for now.” 

“I have to say it, Buck. I never have out loud before, I have to. It’s two fucking words.” Eddie needs to say it. He simultaneously wants to scream it for all to hear and not have to hear it spoken out loud himself. 

Buck reaches up to the table and grabs a bottle of water. It is twisted and misshapen. Eddie isn’t even sure when he did that. Buck opens the bottle and hands it to Eddie. He takes a few sips, the cool water feels good against his throat. It helps him steady his breathing. Eddie closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Three seconds tick by on his watch. He puts the water bottle down and reaches for Buck’s hand where it rests on his elbow. He opens his eyes and locks them onto Buck’s.

“I’m gay,” he exhales. Buck doesn’t react right away, and Eddie’s eyes flit around the room nervously. He meets Buck’s eyes again. 

A warm smile blooms across his friend’s face. “Thank you, Eddie, for sharing that with me,” Buck cards a hand through Eddie’s hair before pulling him in for a bone-crushing hug. Eddie’s eyes flutter shut as he tucks his face into the crook of Buck’s neck. He breathes in deeply, comforted by the scent that is uniquely Buck and is hit by sudden exhaustion. 

He must fall asleep because the next thing he knows he is waking up on his couch, to the sounds of Buck tinkering around in his kitchen, chattering back and forth with Christopher. Eddie stands and stretches. He feels freer somehow happy, despite the emotional day. The world hasn’t shifted and the sky didn’t fall. Eddie wanders towards the kitchen to see what his boys are up to, a warm feeling blooming in his heart. 

\---------  
\---------

A few weeks later Eddie smiles as he sinks into the couch in Buck’s loft. Buck joins him a moment later. Eddie is overly aware of how their thighs press together. Since coming out to Buck little has changed in their relationship. Buck is still as tactile towards Eddie as before. Now Eddie lets himself notice it. Buck picks up the remote and flips on the television. 

“What do you want to watch?” he asks flipping through Netflix. 

Eddie shrugs, “whatever.” Buck nods and scrolls through a few more screens.

He pauses at a show Eddie knows he’s heard talked about before. “You ever watch this?”

“Nah. I heard it’s pretty good though.” 

“Oh my god Eddie, it’s so good. You have to watch it.” Buck smacks Eddie’s thigh excitedly. 

“Put it on then,” Eddie smiles, gesturing towards the TV with the beer in his hand. Buck nods and clicks at the remote. The show starts up, and Buck relaxes back into the couch. Halfway through the first episode, Eddie is enthralled. He doesn’t notice when Buck’s arm comes up and rests along the back of the couch because he is leaning forward, breath held waiting for what he’s sure is going to be a jump scare. It startles him anyway, and he falls back against the couch. Buck chuckles deeply next to him, and Eddie throws him a half-hearted glare before looking back to the screen. 

He becomes acutely aware of Buck’s arm behind him but tries to ignore it, tries to stay focused on the events unfolding in the episode. The credits roll after the first episode, and Eddie is hooked. “Next episode?” he questions, smiling at Buck.

“Hell yeah,” Buck returns the smile. As the next episode starts up Buck’s arm slides off the back of the couch and rests across Eddie’s shoulders instead. Eddie freezes for a moment. Buck must feel it because he asks “is this okay?” 

Eddie studies Buck’s face for a moment, before finding the courage to nod. “Yeah Buck, it’s nice.” Buck’s smile grows, lighting up his whole face and he flutters his eyelashes in the way that makes Eddie’s stomach swoop. They are still smiling at each other when a sound from the TV makes them both jump. Buck huffs a laugh and tightens his hold on Eddie. Eddie leans more fully into Buck’s side and turns his attention back to the TV. 

Two episodes later Buck yawns. Eddie checks his watch. “It’s getting late,” he murmurs, but makes no effort to move. He is warm and comfortable cuddled up to Buck on the couch, and he really doesn’t want the night to end. Buck clicks at the remote and the TV turns off. 

“Chris is staying at your aunt’s tonight, right?” 

“Yeah. I have to pick him up before lunch tomorrow.” 

“You wanna stay over?” Buck sounds nonchalant, but Eddie knows Buck. He knows that the slight change in the cadence of Buck’s voice means he’s nervous. 

Eddie looks up and catches his gaze, and god Eddie loves those eyes. They are so beautiful and expressive, a true window into the pureness of Buck’s soul. Eddie shifts so he is sitting up some but stays tilted into Buck’s space. He brings a hand up and runs the pad of his thumb gently across Buck’s lower lip. Buck swallows hard, and Eddie knows that after he was so vulnerable in front of Buck a few weeks ago, Buck will need him to make the first move. The last thing Eddie wants is for Buck to feel like he took advantage of Eddie. Not when Eddie has been falling for this man for so long that nothing could be further from the truth. Eddie leans forward and replaces his lips for his thumb and kisses Buck gently. 

He pulls back a hair's breadth, “yes.” 

The affirmative is all Buck needs. He leans forward and kisses Eddie with more pressure than before. Eddie melts against Buck as they trade kisses, getting used to the feeling of the other. Kissing Buck is everything. Eddie is so glad he decided to open up to Buck, to take this chance.

The pull apart, and Buck tugs Eddie close into a hug. “I’ve been hoping for a long time that you felt the same way.” he murmurs into Eddie’s ear, his hand running up and down Eddie’s back under his flannel shirt but over the tight black tee-shirt he wore under it. Eddie shudders against Buck at the sensation. 

Eddie pulls back from the hug and uses his hand to direct Buck’s gaze to his eyes. “You mean the world to me, Buck. This is one of the reasons I decided to tell you. I wanted this, but knew I had to talk to someone about...everything...before I could be ready. I thought about it for a long time. You were the only person I wanted to open up to. It was hard for me but I’m so glad I did.” 

Buck kisses Eddie gently, “Me too Eddie, god you have no idea.” They sit and enjoy the quiet intimacy for a few more moments, sharing gentle kisses before Buck stands, pulling Eddie with him. 

The two men slowly make their way up into the loft and ready themselves for bed. They fall into bed shirtless, both opting for just sleep pants. That night Eddie falls asleep in Buck’s strong arms, their chests pressed together, his face tucked into Buck’s neck, legs tangled. Eddie’s last thought before he drifts into unconsciousness is that this is how he wants to fall asleep for the rest of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> -If you made it this far, thank you. This is the most angst-ridden story I have ever written. I felt so mean while I was writing most of it. 
> 
> -I tried really hard to not erase the way Eddie clearly loved Shannon. Hopefully, I was successful. 
> 
> -I have a few ideas for shorter one-shots that are considerably more upbeat that would take place after Eddie and Buck get together but in this universe. Let me know in the comments if it is something you would want. 
> 
> -My standard disclaimer: this is edited only by myself and Grammarly.


End file.
